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Pavitra's Notebook
Page 10

Saturday, October 16, 1926

I feel the working of two forces. One goes straight to the psychic centre and remains there…. The other comes from above and permeates the outer consciousness, the mind first then the vital. The first is more inner, but calls the second one into action.

These are two workings of the force.

I have difficulties in keeping my mind concentrated upon the inner experience. When I am watching these movements, I don't watch the thoughts and they often carry me off.

But that is the correct movement that has to be made. The thoughts come in and go out without being noticed, without attention paid to them. But you must watch the inner movement and not the outer one. At first you had to act upon the mind to quiet it to some extent, in order to allow the force to begin its work. But now you must detach yourself from the mind itself.

Are there not two methods? One consists in looking at the thoughts as they cross the field of the mind. The other in losing consciousness of them by concentrating upon the inner movement?

I think you can now enter the second movement. And you must keep in mind that the more you can overcome the idea of working by yourself, the quicker you will go. Allow things to be done for you.

I think that means keeping always the inner connection with force within.

Yes. Till you become one with the force. All things will be directed from within. The inner consciousness will remain calm and peaceful though for some work you may enter again the outer movement and come back again.

I suppose this idea of self will also disappear, for it has no "raison d'être" and is troublesome.

Yes, it will.

I have at times the sense of transparency, the thoughts happening as local activities which I am looking at.

There are two ways: One by oneself—it is slow—one by allowing everything to be done by the Divine—it is quick.
Mother has told you about your taking part in their meditation?

I think I misunderstood. I thought she meant my meditation with the group here with you.

No. With them.

What I got in my meditations with Mother is invaluable. And I know that much more has been received than I am conscious of. In fact I am but little conscious of what happened.

But Mother told me that you received well enough.

Yes, certainly. But I only feel a deep and strong and luminous force coming down. My knowledge is informal.

Anyhow you are able to follow the movement. Very few are conscious of all that happens.

I am thankfully willing to participate in the meditation. But I will do what you decide, as you know better.
Now, Mme. W. told me of the possibility of my being invited to dinner by the British Consul. There is an architect from Madras for some time here. I don't think there is any reason to accept.

I neither. But I will speak with Mother and answer later.

Sunday, October 17, 1926

With Mother:

I think I have understood what you meant. Since yesterday I have changed everything in my meditation. Instead of doing things myself as though I was directing the force, I quiet simply open myself and remain passive. Almost the whole day through I could keep the contact with the force and opened myself to its action.

Mother: I felt you very close all the day.

But this puts me to sleep.

There is nothing against that. During sleep, in you as in many others, there is no resistance left. Everything opens and the working is perfect. If you feel inclined to sleep don't resist it.

About the meditation, what have you decided?

It is decided if you are yourself ready within.

I consider this meditation as infinitely valuable, and accept it gratefully.

I must ask you not to feel surprised in your outer consciousness if you see certain things which could set you wondering. They consider this room (for meditation) a temple and behave as they would in a temple only replacing the idol by a human figure. That gives them the plenitude they need. You are brought up differently…

Do not fear. First of all, this won't surprise me, I understand very well their feeling. I do not act altogether like them, probably because, as you say, I am brought up in other conditions and have less need of outer manifestations. I obey, however, what I feel within. As for being surprised, why?

Tuesday, October 19, 1926

Meditation with Mother at 12-15 a. m.

Something deep must have happened. I followed the movement on the whole. It seems to me there were two different forces. The first calm and luminous. The second, stronger, was fixed there (solar plexus).

Mother: A force of strength?

Yes—a force of strength. My mind was more calm today.

When you came, you were well prepared. Your psychic being had prepared and adorned—under a symbolic form—a sort of bed of roses and gold leaves to receive what was going to come down. It was very pretty.

The force which descended is a force of transformation. It will act from the centre now—fully conscious of the movements.

....(Here several pages from Pavitra's notebook were torn)....

Mother: … for want of a better word, I would say: several exams—or "tests" if you like. You have passed them all successively and regularly, which shows that you were quite sincere. Now all will go well till the end—all will be easy. I am sure of it.
Tomorrow he will see you after your meditation.

In this way, I won't miss the meditation!

Saturday, October 23, 1926

At first, I will speak of my meditation alone. Then I feel, as I said, two workings of force, one is behind the heart. The impression it gives me is of living fire, but obscure. On the contrary the force coming from above in the mind has a light behind: though I don't see it, I know it is there. Taking for instance my meditation with Mother today, I will say what happens when meditating with her. I feel at first a preparatory period, when the force comes down to the head and remains there a certain time. Then it goes down and takes possession of the central being. There it remains. My consciousness is then drawn backwards, but as it is a new movement for my body, there is some difficulty arising from it, in the chest and throat, as for instance a choking sensation.

With Mother my mind is quiet; its activity is greatly diminished and does not disturb me. But when alone, as I don't act upon it now, it is sometimes very chaotic and disturbs me very much.

What kind of movements?

Always the same old movement. A noise awakens some association and the mind spins around it and goes on. Then I find myself carried away and have to come back again and again.

Do you see what kind of movements they are? Are they true mental movements or do they arise from below?

They arise from below and I don't think there is anything new in them. But there is also another kind of mental movement. Very often now I find myself thinking of you or of Mother, thinking that I will see you tomorrow, for instance, what I will say to you, or seeing myself offering flowers to Mother…

Seeing?

Not seeing, imagining rather. The process is the ordinary mental one, it seems. But as I am awaking to the reality of what I had only an intuition formerly, and as I come in touch with the light here above, my mind is directed towards you. It may be there is something genuine, but then the mind immediately works according to its old fashion. What have I to do here?

You have nothing to do. The two movements you are conscious of are movements of the same force. When it comes to the centre in the chest, it awakens the being to the truth and turns it upwards. It is the human way of establishing the communication with what is above, a straight line with the supramental truth. When the force will be established there and the central being come out, seize upon the outer being, it will effect the transformation. It will direct the force downwards, everywhere, and effect the change.

I am so tired of my mind.

But these movements are not so important. They are the remnants of the old way of working and they will fade away.

I am awaiting a more radical change. Up to the present, though something very luminous is dawning in me, there is no radical change of consciousness. I am still the old self.

What are you expecting?

Well! Many things. For instance I will see my lower self as I see others' selves. I will be no more bound by the body…

Of course the time will come when you will see the movements of nature in you as in others. But what you are waiting for, is it not a mental demand? It is better not to make such demands, for they always misrepresent the Truth. What you are asking is the Truth and you must not state in advance that the Truth must be so and so. The mental representations, even the best ones, are imperfect and they become obstacles. What is needed is to realise the experiences as a part of yourself.

Then it is too much to wait for such a change? I am awaiting a change. Perhaps it is wrong to await something?

No, but it is wrong to state in advance what the change will be.

Now, in meditation I only open myself to the force and allow it to work. I am not acting upon my mind any longer; that is why it is so restless at times. This change in my meditation occurred last Saturday. I was then very conscious of the presence in me and I kept the touch with it the whole day. But since that day, though it is still working, I am not so much conscious of it. Sometimes the force acts in the mind, sometimes in the central being. What shall I do? I have left the idea of directing the force.

(Sri Aurobindo smiles).

But shall I follow all its movements?

Remain open and passive and follow. That is what you have to do. The force will transform by itself and by its own means and ways. The way of doing it with the mind is slow and imperfect, though the mind sometimes thinks it to be the best, because it feels itself acting. That is wrong. The mind does not know the conditions and the means. That force acts with a directness of which the mind is incapable. And you are receptive enough to allow it to work. Obstacles may arise, obstacles in the physical, vital or mental, as they arise always. But that does not matter. They will be worked out and rejected. Do not try to do something by yourself.

I feel also an increasing need for peace, tranquility. And even the little work I do outside disturbs me for the present. I would like to minimise it, or even to give it up. But I suppose I have to keep it.

Yes. It is better to keep it. And you will arrive at a state where you will do that work only with the outer part of yourself. It will then no longer disturb you.

Yes. But for the present, it is a little difficult and painful. It seems a period of transition.

Yes. It is a period of transition.

....(Here several pages of conversations with Mother were torn)....

Saturday, October 30, 1926

Nothing remarkable is to be said. Meditation is becoming deeper and more luminous. I feel my consciousness as if bathing in light. Also it happened that I felt to some extent separated from my outer consciousness. Yesterday evening, in meditation, my consciousness was very much withdrawn inside and I nearly lost consciousness of the body. Thinking it to be a help, I called Mother, but instead of helping me to go beyond, it seemed that she brought me back to the physical consciousness. It is only an impression, I have not spoken to her since.

It is not always equally easy. Some days are better than others. But apart from these slight variations and from the recurring thoughts of the mind there are no special difficulties now. The force is working mainly in front of the face, where it purifies and pacifies, and on the vital. I feel the force as luminous, white. It pervades the mind but not yet the whole being.

My physical body feels a little the strain resulting from the different movements. Today I woke up with a pain in the back. I don't know if it has any relation to yoga or is simply due to cold? It may perhaps have a connection with the psychic centre?

But why is the vital not opening?

It is opening. Much more work is being done than is felt by your ordinary consciousness. Mother tells me sometimes what is happening during the meditation. It is all very good. The task of connecting the two consciousnesses is going on. When this will be done, it will go quickly.

In meditation I don't remain completely passive but I follow what the force does. I talked with Mother about the matter and she said that passivity was required in the beginning of the meditation but that when the force has begun to work cooperation is to be practised.

Of course following the movement was understood. To follow the movement, and see what it is doing there. Complete passivity would be inconscience.

Completely passive I would go to sleep.
I became conscious of a centre in the middle of the head, a centre connected with both ears. I don't know yet more about it, only its existence.

Sunday, October 31, 1926

Interview with Mother

My meditation was calm and deep. A great force descended. But the last two days were not very luminous. Yesterday particularly was a little cloudy.

The evening the day before, during meditation, I almost lost consciousness of my body. I called you to help me; but instead of helping me to free myself you put me back into my physical consciousness.

Mother: Yes. To leave one's consciousness in order to enter another state is not what one must seek. That may be interesting as an experience; but the present movement is different. It is a question of linking up the two consciousnesses, but that means to bring down the higher consciousness into the physical body. Everything must be present there in the natural consciousness. You will be brought back thus every time you try to escape.

Something is being prepared for you. That was said yesterday. It is as though the divine will had traced the goal, and the road; it is as though it had told you : "You will be like that". It was very clear. The Goal is known to us, but it is reserved for us two. To you it is rather the road that this indicated. And this road is very different from what you expected in your outer consciousness. I wouldn't know how to express it. You would not understand me in our outer consciousness. Your inner being knows: it almost told me sometime ago very similar. That must become conscious. You are on the eve of something. Don't be surprised if it is very different from what you expect or if it is very intense. It is so willed.

…?…

Today I saw that a shadow had tried to cloud things. But there is nothing left of it now. When something like this descends, the first effect is to raise up all the oppositions. All that is unsubdued in the being bristles up. Then there is a waiting in the darkness, for one sees nothing yet. That must be the cause of your difficulties yesterday.
Remain calm and concentrated.

....(Several conversations which followed were torn)....

Contd. Page 11

-Sri Aurobindo

Let the divine doors swing wide open for him who is not attached,
who increases in himself the Truth.
- Sri Aurobindo